Proud Father and Husband - Part 1

My own post (everything written so far since Ultan's birth has been penned by Eimhear, with minimal assistance from me) has been long overdue. I apologise for that to any Dads keen to follow the journey from a Dad's perspective. But mostly I apologise to Ultan and Eimhear for not fitting time into my schedule to write this overdue piece.

As I write this Ultan is almost 7 weeks old. I really cannot believe how fast that time has flown, yet it all seems so fresh, despite the sleep deprivation and so much water already under the bridge. So many of the stories from over the last 7 weeks have been reflected upon already, but I will try and add a bit of colour from my own perspective.

Exactly 7 weeks ago I sat in my office with this niggling feeling that I should be taking my boys to the party they were attending at the far end of the south side of Hong Kong. But my rationale side overruled my gut, as I thought that we have to trust the help to be sensible and I should really try and get on with my work, as I would be about to take three days of paternity leave (paternity leave is not given by law in Hong Kong, but some employers do give some gratuitous leave). That niggly feeling though proved to be well-founded as the help decided to ignore direct instructions and put the kids’ lives at risk by putting them in a taxi with other people for the trip, thus meaning there were not enough seat belts for everyone. When Eimhear phoned me to tell me what had happened I thought "here we go again", but my overriding thought was that she had to go, as if we cannot trust her, then she cannot be minding our children even for a minute. Not a pleasant experience and the sickening thought I had was having to ask for help from people. I hate asking for help, I want us to stand on our own two feet, but sometimes an incident like this really brings you back down to earth and brings out the best in all of us. Anyway, over the coming days we experienced extraordinary acts of kindness from friends and neighbours. The sort of stuff that would happen at home in Ireland when there is a birth or a death. That was a really positive outcome from all this that we really felt the warmth of some of our friends and neighbours and struck deeper bonds with many of them.

Anyway the moral of the story from the last paragraph - always trust your gut!

The day of the birth dawned early and after dropping the boys with a neighbour for breakfast and to be taken to school, we headed off to the hospital. Inevitably I was asked to leave while Eimhear got ready and spent some anxious moments waiting until I would be buzzed into the operating area. I got to dress up in scrubs and then eventually was let in to the operating theatre. There was Eimhear on the table and she was chatting away. She seemed to be really talkative and I wondered what funny drugs they had given her, but she was lucid and kept telling people how they would not be taking Ultan to the Intensive Care Unit.  She was so calm and in control, but also talking a lot - nothing unusual, but a slightly odd place to be doing it. However, I found out later it was all part of the plan, to ensure he was not unnecessarily taken from us and put in intensive care, when in reality he is a perfectly normal baby. All fairly quickly they set to work and then before long we could hear him and finally I could see him. It was hard to tell how big the cleft was, but I got some glimpses as they worked on him on the assessment table. They then brought him over and showed him to us and too quickly then took him away again, ostensibly to clean him up a bit and do some of the checks, and this seemed to take for ever, but eventually he came back and then I was allowed to go with him while they stitched Eimhear back together. This to me is a strange moment, because the woman I deeply love is lying on an operating table with her stomach pulled open, yet I am leaving the room, leaving her to it. "Sort yourself out there, love, I am off, see you later." But I suppose I did have another job and that was to acquaint myself with Ultan. They gave me a room and then encouraged some skin to skin contact. That was special, having ten or 15 minutes with him alone. A pediatrician came and checked him over, pretty cursorily I have to say and gave no advice whatsoever on the cleft. I asked her to send for the dental specialist who would be able to assess him. She seemed to have understood my request....

After a while they took Ultan from me to take him in to Eimhear. I was booted out and was able to start sending some messages to family, friends and colleagues. At exactly 1 pm (visiting time) I was reunited with Eimhear and got to see how she was. She seemed OK and had obviously cherished the time with Ultan. I guess as a Dad this is where you just have to click in and start taking some control, as your wife is just after surgery and is going to be in pain for many days and weeks to come. She will be weak and sleep deprived, especially in a public hospital ward. We set about getting ready to feed Ultan and remarkably and thankfully that was a success and easier that we expected. I felt pride in giving Ultan his first feed. I got Eimhear all set up to start pumping to, no mean feat in an area about one to two feet wide to the side of the bed before you starting encroaching on the neighbour's bed, where a family of about 20 were having lunch, a pretty stinky affair to be honest. Presumably the food being consumed next door was the start of the mother next door's recuperation process.... I think I got a cereal bar. Promptly at 1pm I was booted out although I was able to stay a while to help Eimhear get arranged for the coming hours. The next 48 hours passed like this - visits at night and lunch time where I would cart stuff in and out and feed Ultan, change his nappy and wash him etc (although the no baths rule was completely ridiculous!)..

We were so happy to get out of there and get home with my newly enlarged little family and thus begin the next chapter of our lives as a family of 5.....

I guess I have not written of my thoughts and reaction... I think the cleft was much bigger than I expected, but that did not really phase me at all. I had done some of the research or shared in a lot of what Eimhear had found out and knew kind of what to expect. I guess a part of me was hoping that it would not be so serious. I was also hoping that the palate would not be involved, but unfortunately it was, in a fairly substantial manner. I think in the process from finding out and throughout the lead up to birth and his various medical appointments I have always been assuming everything will be OK and have tended towards the optimistic side, whereas quite often Eimhear had picked up on the worst side of things. Which for some of my friends who have known me a long time, they would probably have thought that my more natural tendency would be towards the pessimistic side. I guess it is part of my attitude that everything will be OK and nothing really bad will happen which will involve me having to do too much! I am proud of the way that I tempered some of the pessimistic thoughts - or worst case scenarios thoughts - that Eimhear was having with common sense and "it will be all right" thoughts. I am proud of us both for being largely in control of our emotions throughout this process. The worries and fears we have confronted over the past 6 months, together with the miscarriages and all the emotion that they have brought with them, really could have put a strain on our marriage and family. We could have fallen apart. Maybe we were close to it without realising it, who knows. And that strain for some other people going through similar scenarios may not have been bearable, but, I am sure like most other couples, we pulled together to get through it. I know that in whatever I have done over the last 10 years with Eimhear in my life, I have done it better when we are working as a team supporting each other. And I am, sure there were many times when I did not provide the kind of support Eimhear could have done with every day and at all times of the day, but I did try to and, luckily I have an understanding and supportive partner who has allowed me to play my part and take on responsibilities and be there. I am proud of Eimhear for all her diligence in her painstaking research and for arranging medical appointments to cover off the issues one by one. She has been religious in her preparation for Ultan's arrival and that has really paved the way for his progress towards surgery. Eimhear, you are a star and I am a lucky man to have you and our gorgeous new man in the family. Thank you for minding him inside you and outside!

So .... and what of him.... I am not sure that fathers get that instant and deep bond and love that many mothers get with their newborns. If anything they do get a sense of responsibility for the tiny bundle (and he was tiny compared to his brothers who weighed more at birth than Ultan does now at 41 days old!!) But there is something about Ultan that draws you in - he is already so alert and inquisitive. He fixes you with this soul-seeking look that makes you try and see yourself from his eyes and take a "long good hard look at yourself". Do you measure up as Dad material to this tough little guy? He seems to have me sussed out and looks past me now for something more interesting..... But occasionally he has given me that gap-mouthed smile with the lips turned up at the edges and his steely coloured eyes (like his mother) softening. Then my heart melts even more for him. He is an impressive boy. As stubborn as a mule/donkey/his mother. He has a lusty cry and a lovely cooing "awwooo" sound when he is content in his cot and looking to play / get into our bed. He is so interested in his brothers and smiles when he hears them messing. He is patient with their ministrations! And a word on that - his brothers have been amazing! They are so loving and attentive to him. Not nasty or jealous. Sure, they can be too rough, but they are only little boys of 6 and 4 who know no better and probably try to copy all the grown up stuff that we do with him (not that we are doing everything right or perfectly - I am sure we are far from it - especially with sleep deprivation!). I am so proud of their reaction to him and I know they will be the best big brothers!

We are a lovely, very masculine, family of 5 now!